Why You Should Stop Measuring Your Sex Life: Let Go of the Numbers and Feel More Pleasure
Have you ever found yourself googling:
How often should we have sex?
How many partners should I have before I get married?
How long after a first date should we have sex?
How long should sex last?
You're not alone. These are some of the most commonly searched questions about sex—and there’s probably a splashy magazine article claiming to answer each one.
But here’s the truth:
A satisfying sex life can’t be measured by a number. So why are we so obsessed with trying?
The Real Question: "Am I Normal?"
When someone asks me for a number, it often feels like what they’re really asking is:
"Am I normal?"
And I get it. I’ve lived through many versions of trying to measure my worth—by body, work, income, exercise, or relationships. We’re surrounded by culturally approved metrics like:
10,000 steps per day
The 4-Hour Work Week
Whole30
6-figure salary
30-day yoga challenges
10 days of meditation
If instead of numbers we said…”eat food” or “Meditate until it feels good” or “make enough money to live comfortably” or “give yoga a try” just do not have the same umph. We love numbers because they feel clear, simple, and trackable. They give us a sense of control and achievement. And sometimes, they give us an ego boost when we meet (or beat) them.
Why We Try to Measure Sex
Sex is full of emotion, mystery, and nuance—which makes it a playground for shame and insecurity. In stressful moments, if only we could put a number on the problem, then it would ease so much of that suffering with proof that we are ok. But meeting that number for “good sex” is never as satisfying as we hope. Just like any other way we try to measure our life, the number on the scale or the number in the bank, don’t give us long-lasting satisfaction.
If I hit the “right” number for:
frequency
duration
partners
orgasm count
… then I’ll finally feel like I’m doing it right, right?
But measuring your sex life doesn’t lead to lasting confidence. It just creates more pressure. If you're trying to quantify your sexuality, you're missing the point.
Your Sexuality Isn’t a Number
Let’s try a little mindfulness/thought exercise:
Think of the number you believe defines your success in sex or life. Be extremely specific. Imagine this number is true. Feel that swell of satisfaction. You might feel peace or pride. Are there other people involved that you want to know about your achievement?
With that goal in mind, imagine you’re in a flowing river and that number is a long vine dangling in the water. Hold onto it. Feel the river around you pulling you. Grab the vine tighter. Notice all of that tension - in your grasp and from the current.
Once you’ve built up that tension enough, take a dep breath. On your exhale, release your grasp and let the river take you downstream. Letting go is actually easier that holding on. Being in flow is natural and will actually get you farther than clinging.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.
Those initial feelings that the number or goal gave you (comfort, peace, freedom…) are muddied and snuffed out with all the grasping. In letting go, those feelings just flow.
Your sexual energy is always with you. It doesn’t need proof, and it doesn’t need performance. It's not something to win. It's something to feel.
What Are You Really Measuring?
Look back at those popular sex questions. What are they actually trying to measure?
Confidence
Pleasure
Love
Desirability
Belonging
And none of that can be measured.
If your arbitrary goal truly brings you joy—keep it (and please tell me about it because I’m skeptical). But the moment your number makes you feel less than, shameful, or like you're falling behind, it’s time to reframe.
You are enough without the number.
You are safe to stop measuring and start feeling.