👉 How to Fix a Sex Rut in Your Relationship: 4 Real Steps That Work
If you’re in a long term relationship, chances are that at one time or another, you have found that you and your partner are in a bit of a sex rut. We’ve all been there!
Sex Rut term /seks - rət/
Sexual stagnation and boredom. Low point or dip in, sexual activity.
“I’ve been so stressed out and pissed off at my husband. We need to get out of this sex rut.”
When sex has been bland or nonexistent the first step is acceptance. Sometimes when we are in a frustrating situation, we add to our suffering by believing we SHOULD NOT be suffering. Do you see the double-whammy here? So take a breath, drop the shame, and give yourself some credit for facing it head-on. Let’s talk about what I’d do next:
Drop the Emotional Baggage That’s Blocking Your Intimacy
Seriously, this is non negotiable. Every client I’ve ever had who is in a sex rut is coming in hot with a whole lot of emotional baggage too. This sex rut probably started from something. It could have been a lack of time or energy at the end of a long day. Or bitterness and frustration have soured the mood. Maybe the resentment is just that they haven’t taken the initiative to try to fix the sex rut and you feel burdened with turning this ship around. Can you accept that your partner is imperfect, you are imperfect, and good sex is not about waiting for the two of you to become flawless humans? It’s about being flawed and loving each other anyway. Sometimes we wait to fix the communication or appreciation issues before addressing sex. But what if it’s the other way around? Put your sex life first and everything else will follow.
Start Flirting to Reignite the Spark
Flirting sets the tone. Start with a compliment, in-person or over text, just get it out there. Make it sincere, make it light and free of expectations. Flirting in long term relationships is essential to remind your partner (and yourself) that desire is still there.
Level two flirting, get a little physical. Get in a longer smooch before you each run out the door. Make a hug last longer than 6 seconds and add a butt grab. These tiny gestures say, “I still see you. I still want you.”
Reconnect with Yourself
Are you turning yourself on? Not in the sexual sense (though that’s welcome too)—I mean, are you emotionally, spiritually, socially alive? Are you doing things that make you feel like a vibrant, turned-on version of yourself?
Sometimes, I’ll have a client who is so tunnel vision on their romantic life that they’re numb to everything else in their life. You’re already in a sex rut, it’s okay to extend it a little longer so you fall in love with your own damn self! Make your life juicy and that will extend to the bedroom. In some cases, the lack of sex or any type of intimacy is this silent alarm going off in your head all the time. Life is full of ebbs and flows. Take this time to tend to all of the other areas of your life. Take yourself on dates, dress up for no reason, dance, laugh with friends – get your spark back.
Don’t Wait—Start Having Sex Again (Even If It’s Awkward)
Hot take: just start having sex. If you want to have sex—and your partner is open to it—then stop waiting for it to feel magical and just start. Even if it’s clumsy, even if it feels rusty. Let it be what it is: a re-entry, not a performance. Just do it babes!
One Last Thing
A sex rut is not the end of your relationship. It’s not a sign that you’re broken, or that your partner doesn’t love you. It’s simply a signal. One that’s asking you to slow down, check in, and reconnect—first with yourself, and then with each other.
And if it is a sign of something deeper? That’s okay too. You’re allowed to get curious. You’re allowed to want more. But let’s not write off the whole love story just because the last few chapters have felt a little quiet.
Want to go deeper with this work? Check out my Deep Dive 1:1 coaching offered in-person or virtually.