What Is Intimacy? A Guide to Deeper Connection, Emotion & Desire
***This article was originally published for Giddy***
When most people think of intimacy, they think of sex—but true intimacy goes far beyond the bedroom. The best lovers know that sexual connection doesn’t end when you roll over and go to sleep. In fact, the more emotional and relational intimacy you build between moments of sex, the more meaningful and fulfilling your sex life becomes.
So, what exactly is intimacy?
At its core, intimacy is about sharing your authentic self with another person—and feeling safe enough to be seen, heard, and accepted in return. It’s not just about what you do in the bedroom, but how you relate to each other in everyday life.
What Is Emotional Intimacy?
Renowned author and researcher Brené Brown defines vulnerability—a key part of intimacy—as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” These elements are challenging for many people, especially those taught to suppress their emotions.
Vulnerability can feel foreign or even threatening. If you’ve been encouraged to “tough it out” or keep your feelings private, emotional intimacy may not come naturally. But connection requires courage. Learning to express yourself—without oversharing or monologuing—creates space for deeper love and trust.
Common Misconceptions About Intimacy
Intimacy is not just physical. While sex can be intimate, many couples struggle when it’s the only form of closeness they share.
Intimacy is not oversharing. True connection isn’t about dumping your life story—it’s about relating to the other person with presence, empathy, and honesty.
Talking isn’t the only way to create intimacy. Touch, quality time, small gestures, and meaningful looks all foster connection in nonverbal ways.
So how do you build intimacy, especially if you didn’t grow up seeing it modeled?
Let’s explore three practical tools that can help you better understand yourself—and build more intimate relationships.
1. The 5 Love Languages: Understanding How You Give & Receive Love
One of the most well-known intimacy tools is The 5 Love Languages, developed by Dr. Gary Chapman. A love language describes how you prefer to give and receive affection. Most people respond to all five to some degree, but one or two usually stand out.
The five love languages are:
Words of Affirmation: Saying and hearing kind, loving, or encouraging words
Acts of Service: Doing helpful things, like running errands or cleaning up
Physical Touch: Non-sexual affection like hugs, cuddling, or holding hands
Quality Time: Giving your undivided attention without distractions
Receiving Gifts: Thoughtful tokens that show care and attention
Of course, there are more than five ways to express and receive love but this is usually a good place to start. When you and your partner know each other’s love languages, it becomes easier to show love in a way that truly lands.
2. The Erotic Blueprint: Your Unique Sexual Style
While love languages are about emotional connection, the Erotic Blueprint focuses on how you experience sexual arousal and pleasure. Created by somatic sexologist Jaiya, this framework includes five types:
Energetic: Turned on by teasing, anticipation, and subtle energy
Sensual: Aroused through the physical senses—smell, sound, taste, and touch
Sexual: Straightforward, genitals-focused pleasure
Kinky: Turned on by taboo, power dynamics, or roleplay
Shapeshifter: Adaptable and turned on by a wide variety of erotic experiences
Each type also has its challenges and learning about the shadow aspect can be just as helpful to understanding your arousal style. Taking the Erotic Blueprint quiz (and encouraging your partner to do the same) can spark new conversations about pleasure, consent, and creativity in the bedroom.
3. The Gottman Institute: Research-Backed Tools for Connection
For couples looking to deepen emotional and sexual intimacy, The Gottman Institute offers plenty of science-based resources. From relationship quizzes (like “Do You Trust Your Partner?” or “What Is the State of Your Sex Life?”) to books, retreats, and online workshops, their tools are grounded in decades of research on long-term relationships.
Key takeaways from the Gottmans include:
Healthy relationships require regular emotional check-ins
Conflict isn’t the problem—how you repair and reconnect is what matters
Intimacy grows through intentional, consistent effort—not just chemistry
These tools offer a roadmap for connection, especially during periods of change or stress.
Why Intimacy Matters More Than Ever
Intimacy is not a luxury—it’s a foundational part of healthy relationships and fulfilling sex. When physical intimacy is the only form of connection in a relationship, it puts pressure on sex to do all the emotional heavy lifting. That pressure can cause desire to fade, communication to break down, and relationships to feel brittle over time.
But when you explore and express your needs openly—emotionally and erotically—you create a safe, exciting space for sex to evolve and deepen.
So, What Does Intimacy Have to Do With Sex?
Everything.
Knowing your Love Language or Erotic Blueprint won’t magically create intimacy—but they’re powerful starting points for getting to know yourself and sharing that with your partner.
When you learn how to communicate your desires and receive your partner’s with care, sex becomes more than just physical—it becomes an experience of connection, presence, and trust.
❤️ Want Support in Deepening Intimacy?
If you're ready to explore your emotional or sexual connection in a deeper way, sex coaching can help. I offer 1-on-1 sessions and group coaching to support women in building confidence, clarity, and connection.
📩 Email me at hello@sarahdandreacoaching.com to set up your free consultation call.